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Vol. 1. Issue 1 – Friday Edition


Photo Credit: Philip Sheldon

By Ben Urich
It is hard to remember a world before The Avengers. But for the last eight months, it has not been difficult to imagine a world WITHOUT The Avengers. It was one year ago when the world was rocked by a crisis that few could understand, the Mutant Calamity known only as the cryptic “Onslaught Incident” drew the bravest souls and the brightest minds from all over the world to defend against a threat that was beyond the comprehension of normal civilians. Still, while our confidence fully rested with our Avengers, our thoughts and prayers did not. We were so confident that our heroes would carry the day, the thought of defeat had not even crossed our minds. We had grown so accustomed to seeing Iron Man successfully neutralize a hostage situation, before flipping open his face-plate to name-drop the newest Stark Industries products; to many of us, our biggest concern was whether or not this ordeal was going to mean Hawkeye would have to cancel his guest appearance on “The View.”

When our champions did not return, the world responded first in stunned disbelief, then grief and then many of us turned to anger. Anger toward those who had taken our beloved Avengers from us and many of us anger toward the Avengers themselves. “It just goes to show you can’t rely on people these days,” this reporter recalls hearing one morning on the subway. “My kid loves Ant Man, what am I supposed to tell him, now?” True, the American people’s faith in heroes had been dented, if not shattered all together. Still, many of us held out hope and kept a weather-eye out for the Star-Spangled Shield of Captain America to make its triumphant return…just when we’d need it the most.

And so, our heroes did return! However, not with a bang but with a Press Conference. In an uncharacteristic display of subtlety, the Avengers returned from the unknown earlier this week. “Dead?” Avengers spokesperson Tony Stark replies. “No, we weren’t dead. It’s one of those parallel dimension mumbo-jumbo things that will make your head spin for weeks just thinking about. I can’t give you all the answers now.” Stark, CEO of Stark Industries and Armored Avenger Iron Man, went on to say that while he could not fully explain now, a full statement would be released at the Grand Opening of the Avengers Mansion Museum one month from now. The Mansion, which once served as the Hero Team’s base-of-operations, has been converted into a museum for the public, showcasing the history of Super-Human Heroism. From the Invaders of the 1930’s and 40’s to the Street-Level Crime-Fighters of Today.

Whether or not the team will still base their efforts out of the mansion, or take up residence elsewhere is also unknown, however, this reporter does know one thing: He will be the first in line to buy tickets for the museum — his smallest way of saying “thanks.” And “sorry I ever doubted you.”

Wakandan Crisis Averted

Photo Credit: National Geographic. Used with Permission

By Kat Farrell
While many Americans have spent the past few weeks concerning themselves with the frustrations of Holiday Shopping, half a world away, paradise has been disturbed. The isolationist African Nation of Wakanda found its foundations rocked to the core as rebel groups of satellite nations began a schism that brought the once invincible kingdom to its knees. Wakanda, a monarchy ruled by King T’Challa (aka the Black Panther – a role that is best described as the Pope, President and Joint Chiefs-of-Staff all rolled into one) has ruled over the neighboring nations of Mbangawi, Naomba, Mohannda and Narobia for the past thousand years. And while this rulership has been peaceful and mutually beneficial, the UN was shocked to hear of Mbangawi and Mohannda’s desire for autonomy. A summit began immediately to find a peaceful way for secession, however Mbangwi’s self-proclaimed dictator, General Megapi Ndoma, demanded that all other Wakandan satellite counties follow-suit. “If you’re not with us, you’re against us,” in so many words.

While Wakanda’s skill at arms is great and their technological supremacy rivals that of the United States, Wakandans abhor violence and warfare in all of its forms and urged the still-loyal Naomba and Narobia to “remain vigilant,” in this time of division, hopeful that peace would eventually win the day.

What followed was a vicious arms-battle between warlords of Mbangawi and Mohannda, setting conditions for a perfect storm of destruction and war-crime. Red Cross supplies to war-ravaged villages were being stolen by Ndoma’s troops and when rumors of terrorist funding began to abound, the UN began to act. Blue berets were sent as a peace keeping force, led by many Super-Human specialists, including ‘Excalibur’ of Great Britain. Fighting continued until earlier this week, when General Ndoma began an ambitious, if misguided, offensive into Wakanda. UN forces were able to defend the border until Wakandan troops were able to reinforce their lines and rout the General’s forces. General Ndoma was believed to have been killed in action. With Ndoma and the other malcontent warlords defeated, King T’Challa is confident these nations will return to the fold.

Many have criticized King T’Challa’s actions (or lack thereof) and many in the region fear that this resentment may cause more rifts in the government.

Sen. Edward Nearing’s Rise to the Top

Photo Credit: Amber Grant

By Betty Brant
It is hard to turn on the TV or radio, or log onto the internet without seeing or hearing about Edward Nearing (D – New York). At 24 years-old he is the youngest man to sit a Senatorial seat in the history of America. Read on for The Daily Bugle’s exclusive interview with the charming and savvy young Edward Nearing!

Daily Bugle: So, Senator Nearing—
Sen. Nearing Please, call me “Eddie.”
DB All right then, Eddie. You’re 24, one year out of Yale, an All-American track athlete and now you’re the youngest senator in the United States… where did this all come from?
Nearing Well, I’m a firm believer in the idea that people should not feel themselves limited because of what they are. I didn’t like what I saw from the outside, so I decided to change things from the inside. I ran a strong campaign, I have really sturdy ideas for this country. The people decided and so here I am.
DB What would you say has been your biggest obstacle, so far?
Nearing Well, the biggest problem was the first one. We had to get the Senate to overturn the “30 year-old” minimum before I could even have a chance. I mean, look… we live in an age where we can have former Action stars and Professional Wrestlers in public office, yet I am barred because of my age? Seemed wrong to me, almost criminal. Thankfully, the pieces all fell into place with that one.
DB Any truth to the rumors that you are dating Janet van Dyne, aka “The Wasp?”
Nearing (Laughs) Well, it’s true, we have been talking and —
DB And you were seen together at a recent charity ball!
Nearing Right. However, right now my biggest priorities are my politics. If I play my cards right, who knows though?
DB I’m sure you’ll keep us updated. Now, Eddie, there has been a lot of criticism from some of your fellow senators.
Nearing Oh boy…
DB Particularly those from the right. They say that it is a poor time for “experimental elections” considering important bills to be discussed, such as the Mutant Registration Act.
Nearing Look, those people will find anything to complain about. So, sometimes you’ve just got to take things on the chin. I imagine they’re intimidated because of my age. Well, it’s been an old-man’s game for too long, I think it’s time for some young blood.
DB Well, we certainly wish you luck and you certainly have my vote when it’s time for re-election!
Nearing (Laughs again) Well, I thank you. I would hand you a button but I don’t think I brought any. Actually… (fumbles in his pocket) it turns out I have one here!

So, is Sen. Nearing every bit the golden boy as we hope he is? We will have to wait and see. And you’d better believe, dear reader, that his button sits firmly on my lapel as I write.

From the Editor: Spider-Man is a Fink!

Photo Credit: Peter Parker

Precious readers! It has always been the stance of The Daily Bugle to provide you an unbiased and balanced viewpoint on the news. Ladies and gentlemen, we live in a world of peril, where giant robots prowl the streets and giant green men run around clad only in shorts, damaging our God-Given American sensibility. A world where a creepy-crawler in a mask eludes our police and corrupts the imagination of our children! The Spider-Man (pictured above, absconding with model/actress Mary-Jane Watson for who-knows-what nefarious purpose) is a menace to our well-being yet he guises himself as a moral crusader. How many times have you had to pay for expensive repairs to clean out disgusting web-goo from your gutters? Have you ever felt personally violated because this nut-job has crawled over your window to peek inside? If so, send your complaints HERE:

Spider-Man: Menace
Daily Bugle
175 39th Street, New York NY 10021

As always stay vigilant and lock your doors and windows!

J. Jonah Jameson – Editor-in-Chief

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